Why Single Motherhood?
Some women start with a relationship, but when they have children, they may choose to protect their children from the effects of negative marriage. More and more women are choosing to parent without a partner because of their circumstances or preferences. With the ever-increasing divorce rate, more families are becoming single-parent families.
The first situation that women who choose to be single mothers should prepare themselves for is: “Not having a spouse to help them with daily tasks and daily decisions”.
Although they always feel the support of their family and friends, they take the final decision at the end of the day and take full responsibility for the child. That’s why they need to be psychologically, economically and physically prepared for this delicate process.
What are the Difficulties Experienced by Single Mothers?
There are some common challenges that single mothers face when raising children alone. In the study on “Subjective Well-Being and Life Satisfaction of Single Parents”, it was revealed that the most frequently reported difficulties of single mothers were as follows;
- Raising the child alone
- Providing the child’s education
- Disciplining the child
- Feeling lonely
- Financial stress
- Problems with other parents
- Having limited time to spare for themselves
The traditional perspective says that children need both parents. However, many compatible children come from single-parent families, and having two parents is not a guarantee that a child will be okay or compatible.
Two parents who quarrel frequently, who are inhibitory, and who care more about their unhappiness with their partner than about the child’s needs are certainly no better than the single parent.
For children, it is important to have a parent who is supportive, loving, and appropriately maintains discipline. Like every parent, single mothers aim to fully meet their child’s emotional needs by aiming to do the best with what they have.
But no parent can be perfect.
It is important for the single parent to connect with the child so that the child can approach the parent when there is any problem and the parent is aware of any emotional or behavioral changes that would indicate that the child is not happy.
If children feel loved, affirmed, valued, and respected, they become emotionally stable.
How Can Single Mothers Be Supported by Their Surroundings?
A reliable support system is essential for the single mother. He/she needs to share the excitement of his/her child’s developmental milestones and his/her concerns for his/her child with those who love him/her and his/her child unconditionally and at this point, he/she communicates with his/her relatives.
Single mothers, like everyone else, need a relative who can express the stress and joy of being a parent, get support in emergencies or daily processes, listen to them, give advice, and chat with a cup of coffee. The presence of relatives who can entrust their children with trust and spend time together safely is a great support.
Romantic Relationships of Single Mothers
When a single mother wants to be in an emotional relationship again, she should remember that her child’s life primarily consists of her relationship with her Mother.
When someone else enters the child’s world, just like when a new sibling arrives, it can cause jealousy and insecurity.
The single mother needs to understand and be patient with this situation. The single mother should be comfortable with the new person with whom she has a romantic relationship and feel confident that this can be long-lasting before introducing her child to her new partner.
The message the child should receive is this: When the mother loves a new partner, it does not diminish her love for the child.
Child’s Questions to Single Mother About Divorce
Children often begin to ask questions about their father’s absence from home when they are old enough to go to school. Honest and age-appropriate answers should be given to these questions. This process can also be carried out under the supervision of a specialist child psychologist, with advice from a specialist.
Children should be protected from private information, the true details of separation, or events leading to separation. The mother should not allow the child’s feelings about her father to be overshadowed by the information she gives the child.
Due to the absence of the father, it is necessary not to impose any sense of responsibility on the child. It would be helpful for the mother to explain the rationale behind her decision to become a single parent.
To give an example: “Your father and I valued each other, but we realized that we were not good for each other and that we could not live together. We decided to live apart. ”
This may need to be adapted to suit the reason for the father’s absence (except in special circumstances such as imprisonment, death, war, immigration).
All explanations should be reminded that the mother loves the child unconditionally and that nothing can change this. It is important for mothers to be patient with their children’s questions. Children may ask similar questions over and over again before gaining concept-meaning and understanding of the situation.
Male Figure in the Children of Single Mothers
Many wonder how important it is for children raised by single mothers to have male role models around. It is especially important for children approaching adolescence to have male role models. It is beneficial for children to learn about different genders in a balanced way.
For example, a single mother may not like sports, but her son may be an avid athlete. In this case, support can be obtained from a male support figure to participate in sports matches and guide him in sportsmanship.
Young men may have questions that they are afraid to ask their mothers, but not their uncles or grandparents. The single mother should encourage her son to develop a positive relationship with a trusted boyfriend from his environment.
The Role of Single Mother and Father on Child
The relationship between mother and father needs to be delicately balanced without harming the child. The key element here is that both parents should prioritize the child’s needs and interests. This means not pulling the child to one side, not forcing the child to choose, and not talking badly about the other parent to the child. The child should not have to take sides.
An agreement should be made between the parents on the boarding program, visitation plan, holiday arrangement, special days, communication with the extended family and alimony payment in a way that does not adversely affect the child.
Clear decisions need to be made about what tools parents will use to communicate (direct phone, text only, via email, or through an indirect agent) and which parent will have decision-making authority in which situations. A parenting plan can be created with the help of a psychologist and lawyer.
In the whole process, not only the parent receiving custody, but both parents should make an effort to be fair to the other parent and to constantly look out for the interests of the child.
Author: Psychologist Sadiye Akbulut Kılınç
